Disorganized thoughts....

There have been so many changes in my life in recent months. Most of which, no one can see on the outside.
I fulfill my obligations to family, and work, and yet I feel as though I am just observing this life, this is not my real life.
I am so totally different on the inside. My family has only seen glimpses of that fact. To them, I am the same person I was, and they treat me the same.
Everything I had based my life on before was misinformation. I have discussed the christian brainwashing I received growing up, and how I have worked my way past that, but it has gone so much further. Discovering the morality that makes sense to me, discovering that contrary to popular belief, those who do not adhere to christian morality do have their own moral code. The difference is, that now I am choosing every detail, and not blindly following preconceived rules.
I observe people in my life now, instead of just dealing with them without a second thought.
For instance, the woman I worked with this morning. She is in her late 60s, working just to keep the insurance, been in the store for over 10 years. She is so stuck in a rut that anything that changes in the store just throws her, and she complains about not fixing what isn't broke. No one can do anything right except her, and she is constantly judging others,just appalled at how some people live their lives and she loves gossiping. I was just looking at her working this morning and realized what a miserable existence that must be, and she doesn't even know it.
I have also realized that within Sir's ownership, I am more free to become my true self than I ever was before. I grew up being taught that society's opinions are so much more important than my own - what others thought of me was the one thing that mattered most. Now, Sir is happy with who I am... Anyone else that isn't, technically would deal with Him, as I am His possession, and I am no longer affected by other's opinions of me, only His opinion. I am discovering, also, that I am so lucky to belong to a man who has my best interests in His heart, who looks to my needs and welfare so completely. He listens to my opinions, and values my intelligence ( a man who actually acknowledges my intelligence!). Serving Him is such an act of love on my part... I seem to feel a bit like a soldier who would follow his commanding officer into the fires of hell because of the love and respect he holds for him... I would follow Sir anywhere - sacrifice anything to be with Him - I am so completely sure of His love for me, and His ability to protect me, and guide me, through the rest of my life.

A piece of the past

If you drive south out of the dusty little town of Mullinville Ks., a few miles down a sand road through the waving prairie grass, you will see a barn sitting on a small rise, alone save the windmill along side it, diligently spinning in the Kansas wind.

In 1912, Mr. Fromme paid Pat Campbell the astronomical sum of $8,000 to have this barn built. Not just any old barn, this would house Mr. Fromme's 28 draft horses, and the Percheron Stallion inported from France that he was so proud of. In 1987 the barn became listed on the National Registry of Historical Places for its architectural significance. The significance being that it is a round barn.

Not round, actually, but 16 sided.Inside the barn, there are 14 trapezoidinal stalls, and a box stall where the Percheron once lived. The workmanship is incredible, and you can feel the past as you breathe in the atmosphere of the barn. There are a few displays inside, and pictures from the past of the barn being built, and being used. No one stays at the barn during open hours, you turn on the lights as you go in, and turn them off when you leave. There is a box for donations, left on a table just inside the door, reflecting the trusting nature of the country people in the Historical Society that is in control of the upkeep. It reminds me of simpler days, and harder work. People who were taking pride in their workmanship, and not just putting in their time.


(Thank you, Sir, for taking this picture while you were here and letting me use it.)

A quick note....

I realize I said that I would post on Sunday, but I was so tired after working all day... And I have been fighting computer problems all day today....

I had the most marvelous time with Sir in the city. I love His home, and the people He introduced me to.... I love Him even more now... I can't wait until we are together all the time...

Friday afternoon, I got my first tattoo. It's a symbol of Sir's name... It is our commitment to each other... I was so afraid it was going to hurt, but it didn't.... I am so proud of it...

I am working on a regular post, but thought I would explain why I didn't post when I said I would! (After a little reminder from Red that I said I was going to post on Sunday....lol)

Happy Mabon!

Happy Mabon!



I wanted to post this tonight, as I am going to work from 11pm until 7 am and then I am heading for Sir's house until Saturday evening... I am so excited, this is the first time I have been able to go...
I do still have the swollen glands in my neck and sore throat, so please say a prayer or a healing word for me... I don't want this to turn out as a full blown illness and ruin our weekend!!
Friday, something is happening that will change my life forever. It is a commitment that I am so ready to take....
I will probably be posting on the meaning of it for me when I get home... I will need to have time to think of just the right words to convey how important it is to me...
Have a great weekend, everyone, and I will be posting again on Sunday!

Beautiful love...

Part of me is gone.
That part that still had feelings of guilt, doubts, and worries... She is gone. Last week, as soon as I got to that point spiritually of knowing that there were lessons to be learned here, everything fell into place.

Sir came to Hick County for the weekend.

Friday night was testing night - to learn once and for all if this was who I am and what I really wanted.
I brought the switches He had asked me to cut. They were 1/4 to 1/2 inch in diameter,very pliable, and about 24" long. I had read somewhere that Forsythia works well, and it does.
He brought the black leather paddle he had bought just for me.
We started the evening going out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, good food, good conversation, and excellent company.
On the 30 minute drive home, He talked with me, asking me questions, making sure that I understood everything, and that there was no doubt in my mind.
When we got home and His things were settled, He told me to take off my clothes.
I curled up next to Him on the bed, laying my head on his broad chest, and He wrapped His very protective arms around me.
He told me He wanted me to understand how much He loves me.
We kissed for the longest time, (Sir is the most wonderful kisser) then He softly and intimately made love to me.
When it was time, He told me to lie on my stomach. He started with the paddle, slowly, not too hard at first, lovingly rubbing my ass in between strokes. The paddle grew more and more intense, making me cringe slightly each time. I started to feel the heat, the sting. I started to crave more. Then He stopped. He pulled me to His chest again, holding me, gauging my state of mind. He wanted to make sure I was still with Him, but He could look into my eyes and see that I was changing.
Getting on my knees and elbows, the paddle started again, a lot harder this time. I almost wished that He would stop, but I felt myself falling away, draining. It was like I had been drawn in pencil, then colored in, and someone had erased all the lines, letting all my colors melt and run together, expanding. Suddenly I had no thoughts in my head, no words, nothing but the electric sparks that flew each time the black leather connected with my ass. I moaned out loud, and He stopped.
I told Him no, please, I want more, practically begging Him, and He continued. Stroke after stroke until I was close to the breaking point, and He pulled me into His arms again.
He told me how proud He was of how I was doing, and there was nothing He could of said that would have meant more to me at that moment.
Time had come to a complete and total stand still, and nothing existed outside of that room. We kissed over and over, soft kisses, our tongues dancing lightly together, kisses that grew in intensity until I felt like I could just devour Him. He turned His head and started planting small sharp bites on my neck and shoulder until I thought I was going to explode with the power of them.
He told me to get one of the switches. I immediately went to where they were laying, picked one up, and holding it in both hands handed it to Him reverently.
Climbing back on the bed, I braced myself, willing myself to take whatever He gave me.
I heard the switch slice through the air several times before I felt it connect. My ass, my back, the backs of my thighs, it connected again and again, I wanted to tell Him, "Please stop!" But I wanted more all at the same time.
He did stop and held me again, and in the dim light He looked into my face and it had changed beyond recognition. The woman the rest of the world knew was gone, Amethyst had completely taken over..
He says my face changed completely several times that night, and I know it did. He put me at the bathroom counter, my breasts lying against the cold tile, and pulled my head back with my hair until I was staring into the mirror. I didn't recognize the face looking back at me.
Again the switch cracked against my ass and thighs, over and over in the same spots, welts burning until my knees buckled. He grabbed me up into His arms and told me how much He loved me, and how proud He was.
He made beautiful love to me again, and that night, for the first time, I slept through the night in the arms I was born to be wrapped in, curled up next to the man I will spend the rest of my life obeying, honoring, respecting and loving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the last 6 years, there have been 5 men in my life. 1 of them I was madly in love with, and he broke my heart harder than anyone ever has. The other three, two of whom were Jeff and Andy, I was infatuated with. (Sir being the fifth) I tried very hard to love them, but I just couldn't. I knew there was someone out there for me and I was tired of waiting patiently. I was trying to create in my head the perfect man.
With Sir, I couldn't NOT love him... He could walk away today and I would love Him until the day I died. There is nothing I have to "rationalize" about Him, nothing I would change. I honestly feel that I was born just for Him. I will spend the rest of my life, and the lives beyond, loving Him. There is no doubt in my head about that. None whatsoever.

Another nail...

Sometimes I think that I just can't seem to get ahead.
With everything else I have on my mind today, I took my son the the doctor, spending my last $1 on that and the gas to get to Dodge City and back, then I get a call from my daughter.
No one had heard from her in over a week. And I really didn't get a call, she had tried to call collect when I was gone and left me a recorded message which MCI delivered when I got home. She and her good for nothing boyfriend are in a homeless shelter in Topeka.
She wants money. I think, though, that since they got themselves up there, hitch-hiking no doubt, and neither one of them will hold a job for more than a week, that they will find their own way home. A very wise friend helped me see that giving her money isn't helping her. She is 19, she chose to live this way, if she wants to come home (which she doesn't because we don't "accept" her boyfriend) then she will find her way home like she found her way to Topeka. I don't have any money to give her, or the money to drive all the way up there to get her. There is nothing I can do.
I really didn't need this on top of everything else, though....

And now a word from our sponsors....

I found this on one of my Yahoo groups (Lone Witch)... posted by Silmaril Firecrystal...
I thought it was pretty cool...


The Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece, scholar and intellectual, Dr. Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said,

"Do you know what I just heard about one of your friends?"

"Hold on a minute," Dr. Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the man.

"That's right," Dr. Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and wanted to tell it to you"

"All right," said Socrates. " So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary, it is bad "

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, Because there's one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really." Replied the man.

"Well," concluded Dr. Socrates, if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, and nor even useful to me, why tell it to me at all ."



Unknown author
Just thought I'd pass that along....

Better stand back.... My head is going to blow up...

My mind is almost fried at all the things I am trying to work through, and learn, and absorb right now.
"Finding oneself" is not a passive endeavor. It is not painless, it is not "Zen-like".
It is pain, and confusion, and tears, and fighting with what your mind has been trained to believe, and learning what you really believe. I have been so dellusional for so long...
I almost feel like I have been brain washed up until now. Especially where religion is concerned. Christianity is such a "Do this or else..." religion. I really don't think that a religion based on fear is a loving religion. How did I get so washed away by it for so long? I don't want to get hate mail from christians... This is my experience, my beliefs, and yours can be whatever they are and that is fine.
My personal life, too, has been giving me headaches. I seem to fight against the things I need. I seem to need that strong man in my life,to make the decisions, and the discipline, but it makes me so mad to need it! Why do I need it... Where does that need come from? Any time I do something that warrants discipline, it makes me really mad to think that I am not smart enough to just know not to do it without getting physical punishment for it, doesn't that make me sound weak?? What am I that I don't just know "oops, better not do that again" without getting spanked for it like a dog? When I subconsciously begin to need it, I do something that warrants it... Nothing drastic, but things like raising my voice, talking back, being rude. Then, when I hear that I indeed am going to get that punishment, it makes me furious at myself, and I just want to withdraw from everything, and everyone.
I am such a nutcase. I don't think I will ever figure this out on my own.

(Edited: I have the religion figured out, although I am still mad about the brainwashing I received when I was young... But I don't have the submissive thing worked out, and I may have just talked my way into not having a Dom to begin with... If a submissive doesn't have a Dom, is she a submissive? If a tree falls in the forest....)

Taking a drive

I took drive down through open range country yesterday. There is a huge ranch in the southeast corner of Hick County. When you get down there, you cross a cattle guard in the road, and from there on, the cattle are free roaming, no fences, sometimes congregating in the middle of the road. (I usually come home with cowshit on my truck, but it's a country girl's truck, so it doesn't mind...lol)
The land down there in full of big hills, beautiful green valleys, lots of deer, pheasants and quail. There are several natural ponds, and a small creek runs through the whole thing. It's land that has never been broken, it looks just the same today as it did when the Native Americans lived here, and when the pioneers first saw it. I like driving down through there to clear my head. Let go of things that, if I stay home, just keep churning around in my head.
I went past a small pond with a very large cottonwood tree beside it. It reminded me of the place I was at when my adopted dad set our campsite on fire.
We had gone to camp by some farm ponds that were owned by friends of the family in south central Kansas. I, as usual, was down by the pond in a tree, reading a book. My mom came running down over the hill telling me to get to the camper because dad had set the place on fire.
Seems dad started the grill to cook supper, and set the grass on fire. Fire departments from three towns showed up, digging trenches, bringing in tankers of water. Dad ended up burning about 120 acres that day.
Driving on a bit further, I spotted a mother deer with her twin babies. They were beautiful.
One of these days, I hope to get a camera, so I can take pictures and ya'll can see how beautiful it is down here.
Today is the third day of my vacation, and I am already bored. *sigh*

Next time around

Sometimes we see it coming. Sometimes we work like hell to get around it. We get second and third and fourth opinions, stay up nights trying to find an alternate solution, but eventually, we just know when it's time.
It seems that the obvious ending to this scenario wasn't they way we had it figured. I suppose there were things we were meant to learn. I hope we both learned them. I know that I learned more about myself than anything. I learned that an amazingly intelligent, honorable, handsome man can find me beautiful, and smart, and fascinating. That is a revelation in itself. I never thought myself worthy of someone of His caliber.
I learned I have a warrior's heart, and the courage of one, too. I suddenly feel like the whole world of possibilities is open to me. Anything I want to accomplish, I know I can. He gave me back my belief in myself.
I know that we have loved in another lifetime, probably many lifetimes. This time around, however, it wasn't meant to be that way. We are meant to be friends. Perhaps in the next lifetime we will be together as lovers again. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Another day in the life

Every once in a while, we are called to do something in our jobs that is above and beyond the call of duty.
There is an older couple that comes into the store once a month. Not old, just older. I am assuming that they live farther out in nowhere, Southwest Kansas, and are traveling to Wichita to the doctor.
She is a large lady, in a wheel chair. He is a very careful, quiet man who lovingly takes care of her. Neither of them speak much, or even smile much, although they always seem polite.
One day they came in, and he took her into the ladies room like he always does. In a few minutes he came out alone, and came over to me.
He quietly told me that his wife usually can stand on her legs long enough for him to help her get her pants down, and then he helps her sit on the toilet. This day, however, she hadn't the strength to stand, and he needed my help.
I have always said that I could never be a nurse's aide, I was glad there were people who could, but I could just never be one. I get embarrassed so easily. I honestly was reluctant to help. What other choice did these people have?
I did go in and help, and they thanked me, and I went on with my day.
I told my mother that evening about it, and she went ballistic.
Told me I shouldn't have had to help, and that she would have refused, (this coming from a woman who, years ago, was a nurse's aide).
All I could think about was what would they have done if I hadn't helped them? And wasn't the woman's embarrassment probably worse than mine in having to ask for help with something so personal from a complete stranger?
Sometimes you just do what you see needs to be done.

Reassurance

As I lie in bed early this morning, looking out on the cool morning blanketed in ominous grey clouds, I was thinking it was a good morning to sleep in.
Suddenly, the highest peak of the neighbors two story house burst into bright orange. I blinked my eyes, thinking they were playing tricks on me, but then I realized that it was sunshine.
The sun had sent that one single ray through the clouds as a bit of reassurance that he is still there, and that on top of these clouds is a beautiful sunrise. The clouds converged and hid the light, and within seconds thunder rumbled acoss the sky, the clouds asserting their dominance once again. Even through the rain, I could still feel the warmth of that one ray of sunshine.

Decisions

The Kansas wind usually goes down with the sun. Last night it kept churning like the thoughts in my head.
My bed sits at an angle, extending from the corner of the room. There are large windows on both sides, and I had them wide open. Laying on top of the covers, wearing only a t-shirt, the wind blowing back and forth across my legs and the loud sounds of the night made if feel almost like I was laying out in a field, in the open air. It was soothing, but not enought to make me sleep.
My thoughts constantly go in circles in my head.
On one hand, I feel my responsibility to my son who needs me, and who needs to stay in the program at the school he is in. Change upsets him way too much, whether it's the ADHD, or the learning disabilities, or the fact that they have observed in him some borderline OCD behaviors, I don't know. All I know is that making him move would be the worst thing for him at this point.
On the other hand, there is the man I love. I want to be with him more than anything. It is about a 5 hour drive from here to there, I can't see him near as much as I want to. I also could go to school, and have a great chance of getting a real job if I moved to the city. I could have 5 Master's degrees in this tiny hick county and it wouldn't help. I don't want to spend my life working in this store. I want a real job, one that uses my mind, my talents. I want more than anything to be with my Sir.
What to do? My responsibility is to my son, but my heart wants to go to Him.
I have decided to look into getting my degree online, that way no matter where I am I can work on it. Maybe when my son gets a bit older he will understand more that his Dad and Grandma will still be there for him, and that I'm still really close.
I can't look into the big brown eyes of my 7 year old who is so dependent on his mom and tell him that I am leaving for such selfish reasons.
I just hop that my He understands, and that we can continue the relationship, just going where ever it takes us. I love Him so much, it would kill me to lose Him now that I just found Him.
I finally fell asleep, just as the light rain began to fall, but my thoughts kept going around in my head.

Is it me?

I got bored today. Decided to try one of those "Career path astrology reports".
I think ya'll know me pretty well...
What do you think of their evaluation?

" YOUR INDIVIDUALITY: Sun in Aquarius

You were born under the sign of AQUARIUS and your ruling planet is Uranus, which makes you rebellious, independent and unconventional.

Your Sun sign is FIXED and this impels you to fulfill an organizing function, either in thought or action. Your attitude is firm, persistent, stable and decisive. You have the ability to concentrate profoundly on your projects and to stay firm in your purposes. In spite of this, you will have to cultivate a certain flexibility to avoid obstinacy and selfishness.

Aquarius is an AIR sign and this makes you curious, sociable and mentally very active. All occupations that stimulate your intellect and the possibility of communicating will be very favorable. You need variety, harmony and the exchange of ideas.

You like to be free and do not adhere to routine or the limitations of daily life. Because of this, your manner is personal, informal and sometimes a bit too accelerated. You are very curious and attracted to everything that is special, different or mysterious. You enjoy travel, adventure and the possibility of meeting new people and places. You can communicate easily and make friends everywhere you go. Your independent attitude permits you to relate to everybody and not to commit yourself to anybody. You learn everything that interests you very quickly, but also get bored quickly when a subject is slow or tedious.

Your life will be filled with changes and surprises, some will be planned and others totally unexpected. You are very creative and always put your personal touch on everything you do. You have the ability to invent, transform and change your environment. Your demeanor and the course of your life will always be unpredictable.

You were born to change the world around you, to provide new ideas, styles and conventions. Your way of thinking or acting probably will be criticized, but it will teach others to widen their horizon and mentality. You were born to break the rules, procedures and duties, especially when they become outmoded or obsolete. Your humanitarian, altruistic and futuristic vision will permit you to think about the function of groups and to render your help to them. Another of your missions is to create, to invent, to innovate and to develop your creativity and imagination.

To evolve, your spirit needs to learn to develop patience with the things you cannot change or with people who are unable to keep up with your pace. You have to control your eccentricity, rebelliousness and wrong ideas so that you don't waste your energy protesting things that you do not accept. You could easily fall into immature and erratic attitudes, or quickly change your feelings and interests, and act with indifference and coldness toward others."

Read the rest HERE

Interesting info

September 4 - Egyptian Day
An Alexandrian day of bad luck and misfortune.
Commencing any undertaking is ill-advised this day.


I don't claim to be a superstitious person, but even though I don't believe it, I don't disbelieve it either. Why tempt fate?

Interesting News Item...

This may sound really weird, but knowing what the women of South Africa live with every day, this is a really good idea.
In fact, it might just be a good idea in more than South Africa....

"KLEINMOND, South Africa (Reuters) - A South African inventor unveiled a new anti-rape female condom on Wednesday that hooks onto an attacker's penis and aims to cut one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the world."

See the whole story, HERE.

Stayin' Alive

After a grueling 11 hour day at work, (inventory day with the district manager in the store all day) I came home and immediately slipped into something more comfortable. Nothing as glamorous as you may think. A big baggy Kansas t-shirt, and "Biker Babe" pajama pants. (I love Betty Boop, what can I say?)
I turned on the computer, and of course opened my favorite blog even before checking my mail. He sounded a bit tired today. Maybe 'weary' is the better word.
Checked my mail, sent a note to Him to see if He was online. He was. Chatting with Him makes my whole day worthwhile. Anything bad that happens is just wiped away.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
Joseph Campbell

Y'all know that is one of my favorite quotes.
Maybe it works that way in relationships, too.
It is strange when the path you are on takes turns you weren't expecting. Rough spots, pot holes, detours. We are still on that path, we just don't know yet where it is going to take us. The powers of the universe didn't bring us so close to just let us fade away. Maybe it won't be be what we expected, but sometimes the truth can be better than what is expected.
One day at a time baby, don't give up on us completely.